Non-Braking News 1/13/13
Our weekly roundup of top stories begins with:
Cash has been withdrawn on EBT cards at strip clubs in violation of the law. Using tax dollars for lap dances must be some new government stimulus plan. Instead of cash for caulkers it's called cash for gawkers.
A 90 year old Saudi married a 15 year old girl. I guess the bridal registry was at Toys R Us.
Piers Morgan mocked the U.S. constitution, and called it "your little book. He forgot to mention "his little book" called the Communist Manifesto.
The U.S. is considering a trillion dollar coin. Unfortunately it will cost a quadrillion dollars to mint it making it worth less than a penny.
President Obama is considering Jack Lew as Treasury Secretary. Jack lost millions when he worked for Citibank, and some consider the President's decision sheer Lewnacy.
There is a new cable television program called "All My Babies Mama's" featuring a rapper, his 11 children, and ten wives. Apparently the only way to get people off welfare and food stamps is to give them their own T.V. show. You can expect 46.7 million new ones next season. That rounds our top stories of the week.
Non-Braking News: All the news that won't slow you down.
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Television viewers watch an average of 20,000 commercials a year*. They should be reading and exercising, but it's important to know that if you take Viagra and have an erection lasting over 4 hours you should seek medical attention. So what do you do if it only last 3 hours, request a refund? At least I learned something from all those advertisements. After I visit the all you can eat burrito buffet I take Beano to keep my date from gagging. Thanks to Depends my bladder's drier than a Johnny Carson monologue. Preparation H soothes the unsightly itch and swelling of my hemorrhoids, and keeps me from being the butt of my friends jokes. Listerine takes care of my doggy breath, and Ban deodorant keeps me from smelling like I am homeless. All in all I am grateful commercials have improved my hygiene, and my friends are even more grateful. In fact after watching an infomercial for Hair Club for Men I am considering joining. They claim if I hurry and call before midnight they'll throw in nose and ear hair absolutely free.
- @PolarCoug
Obama's second favorite bed linens. Egyptian Shiites2013/05/17 22:19 by web - @RCannon74
@ComradeArthur Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesars, and send the IRS a freaking salad.2013/05/17 22:27 by web - @BobG231
Now if we could only get Obamabots to work here.2013/05/17 22:12 by web - I've just been audited by the I.R.S. for conduct unbecoming a taxpayer. #RegisteredRepublican2013/05/17 15:54 by web
- Noah preached about a flood, and built an ark. Al Gore pontificated about rising sea levels and built an ocean view mansion. #Dumbass2013/05/17 15:58 by web
