Non-Braking News 1/13/13
Our weekly roundup of top stories begins with:
Cash has been withdrawn on EBT cards at strip clubs in violation of the law. Using tax dollars for lap dances must be some new government stimulus plan. Instead of cash for caulkers it's called cash for gawkers.
A 90 year old Saudi married a 15 year old girl. I guess the bridal registry was at Toys R Us.
Piers Morgan mocked the U.S. constitution, and called it "your little book. He forgot to mention "his little book" called the Communist Manifesto.
The U.S. is considering a trillion dollar coin. Unfortunately it will cost a quadrillion dollars to mint it making it worth less than a penny.
President Obama is considering Jack Lew as Treasury Secretary. Jack lost millions when he worked for Citibank, and some consider the President's decision sheer Lewnacy.
There is a new cable television program called "All My Babies Mama's" featuring a rapper, his 11 children, and ten wives. Apparently the only way to get people off welfare and food stamps is to give them their own T.V. show. You can expect 46.7 million new ones next season. That rounds our top stories of the week.
Non-Braking News: All the news that won't slow you down.
Monkey on your back
Sung to the melody of Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville:
Wasting away again in Obamaville. Searching for my lost EBT card. Some people say that Bush is to blame, but I know it's Obama's fault.
In all fairness waste is an inherent part of how our government does business. The stimulus programs were notorious for inciting the kind of rip out your hair anger that has taxpayers reduced to maniacal psychopaths. For instance do we really need to spend money to find out that males don't like to wear condoms? You can't even get them to put on rubbers when it's raining for Pete's sake. How about getting monkeys high on cocaine. What exactly was the purpose for doing that other than inciting flash mobs of drug addicted chimps robbing people to get high. Didn't the politicians learn anything after watching Planet of the Apes?
Don't monkey with me, I need cocaine!
Stimulating talk
There is a saying that "A politician and our money are soon parted". Let's look at how those fools parted with our money in a little program they called "The Stimulus"*. $866,000. to figure out how to control flies in a stable. Haven't they ever heard of tails? Livestock have been successfully swatting flies of their asses for centuries. $951,500. for streetlights in Detroit. Thanks to all the boarded up foreclosures drug addicts need lights to see which houses they can score crack at night. $476,000 for a museum to teach children how to fly. How about a museum to teach adults how to fly? Don't you remember that Northwest pilots flew 1+ 1/2 hours past the airport without realizing it? 465 million dollars for a F-136 jet engine. C.B.S. news claimed "it was not necessary and not affordable". What kind of jet doesn't need an engine, other than Joan Jett? The fact is it already had one that worked. Thank goodness, I'd hate to be the pilot without one. 95 million dollars to research wood. Wood is wood. Even a dummy knows that, except of course the wooden headed dummies in government. Hey George, trim those damn fingernails!
*Statistics provided by Citizens Against Government Waste. http://www.cagw.org/
The perfect storm
Hurricane Irene is barreling up the East Coast with winds up to 100 m.p.h, and heading directly toward my apartment in Lower Manhattan*. In spite of the possible loss of life and billions of dollars in damages there are some who look on every disaster as "an opportunity to do things you think you could not do before"**. I guess by that they mean surfing 20 foot waves in the Hudson River, snorkeling the ruins of Wall Street, and catching striped bass from my 11th floor balcony. Some intelligentsia will see this as opportunity for stimulus spending. Maybe I can get in on that "cash for lunkers program***.
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| She looked taller in the photos. |
*http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/hurricane_irene_carolina_path_toward_993RrKolrBSXAaTBOMi4YL
**Quote from Rahm Emanuel.
***A lunker is a large fish. This program does not exist, but it should.
- @johnhawkinsrwn
When Joe Biden accidentally had butt plugs implanted in his skull instead of hair plugs he bought a new #AssHat2013/05/21 19:12 by web - @9746LAK
She should get that vaccination to prevent old age that death row criminals get.2013/05/21 19:33 by web - @texasmcmanus
@CelesteHerget @NBCDFW Nidal Hasan already received the death penalty. He'll be dead of old age before the trial starts.2013/05/21 19:28 by web - @middlemom
Vermont uses lethal injection, and it is about as dignified as killing a criminal on death row. Minus that special last meal.2013/05/21 19:18 by web - @keder
Sheldon Whitehouse: NASCAR causes tornadoes by driving in circles.2013/05/21 15:49 by web
