Non-Braking News 2/24/13
Our weekly roundup of top stories begins with:
Government Motors formerly known as General Motors is now making Chinallacs formerly known as Cadillacs in China. As a result they are beholden to our dear leader, and governmental control. That's why Ford's slogan is "Go Further", and G.M.'s slogan is "Go Führer."
A 33 year old former teacher of the year was charged with having sex with a 15 year old honors student. When I was growing up an honors student received a certificate, but nowadays the award is having sex with your teacher. I would have done so much better in school.
A widow wants Hallmark to create end of life cards. The company is considering two options, an atheistic version "Congratulations, your death will result in a more evolved, more fit species of man," and a theistic version "If you thought cancer was painful, just wait till you get to hell."
Representative Joe Salazar of Colorado said women couldn't be trusted with guns, and recommends a whistle as a deterrent to rape. So that's why construction workers whistle at beautiful women when they walk by, they're afraid of getting raped.
Senator Jesse Ulaberri said we would be better off stopping mass shooters with ballpoint pens. Well the pen may be mightier than the sword, but not a Smith and Wesson.
Al Qaeda has developed a tipsheet for avoiding drones. I suggest they pair up and wear a camels costume. With desert temperatures over 120 degrees we wouldn't need to waste money on missiles to incinerate them.
Officials say Florida has been overtaken by an invasive species. I'm not referring to senior citizens, but Burmese Pythons. Up to fifteen hundred dollars reward was offered for each dead snake. Obamacare will take care of the senior problem.
Consider this end of life counseling.
That's our top stories of the week roundup.
Non-Braking News: All the news that won't slow you down.
The Governmentals
I have always suspected human beings are losing intelligence. This has been verified by a geneticist named Dr. Gerald Crabtree, and demonstrated by our elected officials. Representative Joe Salazar of Colorado said women couldn't be trusted with guns, and recommends a whistle as a deterrent. The problem is that particular sound encourages sex, and that's why construction workers whistle at women when they walk by. A gun is a much better weapon since it gives the rapist a taste of what it's like to have a foreign object forcibly penetrate their body. Senator Jesse Ulaberri said we would be better off stopping mass shooters with ballpoint pens, but attempting to stop someone by shooting ink into their eyes is pretty risky. It is best left to a professional like an octopus. Common sense tells us a weaker individual needs a weapon to fend off a stronger one. The greater the weapon the less chance of a confrontation. The proof is that no women has ever been raped while driving a tank.
This is W.A.R.! (Women Against Rape)
Non-Braking News 1/20/13
Our weekly roundup of top stories begins with:
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg wants to reduce the amount of pain medication administered in hospitals. Women in the maternity ward are screaming for joy.
Iran is planning on sending a monkey into space. There is no word at this time as to who will be running the country.
The Huffington Post had an article claiming George Washington was just like the prophet Muhammad. Well Muhammad cut off limbs, and George cut down a tree. Yep, exactly alike.
A powerful business lobby is pushing for 70 year old eligibility for social security and medicare. On the other hand people who refuse to work for 70 years will have no eligibility restrictions.
Politifact awarded the lie of the year award to a statement by Mitt Romney concerning Jeep, and now we find out that it is in fact true. In other news we found out that the liar of the past four years is still a liar.
The T.S.A. will remove those nude image scanners at airports. Now the agents will have to surf the net for nudity like everyone else.
Governor Andrew Cuomo passed strict new gun restrictions for New York residents. Forgetting to exclude law enforcement means it was either a knee jerk reaction, or the left needed a jerk to react. In either case it's mission accomplished. That rounds our top stories of the week.
Non-Braking News: All the news that won't slow you down.
Political Prisoner
You may have heard that Keith Judd a Federal inmate is running in the W.V. Democratic primary against Obama. Surprisingly he made a strong showing, and captured 40% of the votes. There is no chance he will win, but what does that say about how we view our public servants? For one they are just as dishonest as a felon in a correctional facility. So does this mean Blago will again one day govern the most corrupt state in the nation? Probably not. There is one thing for certain the convict is paying his debt to society while Obama creates debt for society. Sometimes the lunatics get run to the asylum, and usually at a lower cost.
Small government starts with an 8X12 office.
Julius Caesar Obamanus
Some people believe our President is becoming a dictator thanks to a weak Congress, and the biased Mainstream Media (MM). Historically he is reminiscent of Julius Caesar Obamanus the dictator of the Roman Empire. Obamanus had ordered the gladiator WaPo to destroy his rival Mitt Antony during a campaign at the Coliseum, but WaPo lost and was humiliated. Despite Obamanus losing favor with the peasants he rallyed his followers with his famous quote "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ear-nings". It's a taxing occupation to run an empire into the ground.
Caesar Obamanus, Dick Tater in Perpetuity.
Inflation and deflation
A beautiful French politician named Miss Dati issued an apology for a gaffe she made during a radio show. When questioned about overseas investment she said "I see some of them looking for returns of 20 or 25% at a time when fellatio is non-existent". She obviously confused fellatio (oral sex performed on a man) with inflation (an economic state of rising price in goods and services). You can't blame her since fellatio inflates a man's penis, and inflation causes a rise in the price of fellatio. Sort of a vicious cycle that eventually ends in deflation for men. Looks like prostitutes know more about economics then we give them credit for.
This politician is certainly the cause of inflation.
The Nobelist of Virtues
Some people believe humility is the greatest virtue, especially when one is presented with an award so coveted as a Nobel prize. I myself am a very humble person, but that is because I have the I.Q. of a walnut, and the physical beauty of a dung beetle. But to get back to the subject at hand let me introduce you to Christopher Sims, and Thomas Sargent the humble winners of the Nobel prize in Economics. Certainly these two titans of academia should have an answer to the problems we face in this trough of economic inactivity we call the "Great Recession". Listen and be enlightened by their wisdom. The question proposed to them at 1:10 of the video from The Early Show is "In the short term what could be done to give the economy a boost"? Rather than waste your time I will provide an accurate transcript of his answer.
Thomas Sargent: "Um, (chuckle), so that is a very difficult uh question to answer. Um there is a lot of uncertainty now uh both in Europe and the United States about what future government policy is gonna be. Um and probably the best thing politicians can do is um quickly reach compromises".
Well get me a gun I'm about to commit suicide. If economists don't have a solution how the hell would politicians whose only purpose in life is to get re-elected, and who couldn't make a profit selling gloves to Eskimos have the answer? If our economic future is dependent on people like V.P. Joe Biden a.k.a. Boxcar Willie who said "we have to spend money to keep from going bankrupt" we're riding the bullet train to disaster.
The Naked Truth
Elizabeth Warren is running against Scott Brown for the senate in Mass. and was recently asked how she paid for her college tuition. She promptly replied "I kept my clothes on"*. I thought that was a rather bizarre answer until I remembered that Scott Brown had posed naked in Cosmo magazine. Her remark was kind of like hitting below the belt, so to speak. When Scott was told what she had said he replied "thank God". A snide way of saying her body looked like a wreck in a junkyard. This reminds me of the old saying "people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones". The updated version is "people who look bad with their clothes on shouldn't throw stones at people who are paid to take theirs off". I thought Ms. Warren was a member of the Democrat Party, but apparently she is running on the Pity Party ticket.
Didn't Elizabeth believe this Warrented a closer inspection?
*http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/scott-brown-elizabeth-warren-spar-over-nude-photo-200932590.html
- @jerryrscuba
The first Gay President is now eligible become a scoutmaster.2013/05/24 22:53 by web - @LibMuncher
@BreitbartNews He must have used Timmy Turbotax Geithner's software.2013/05/24 22:27 by web - @jerryrscuba
I hope Holder gets the drive shaft in the rear end under the Obama bus. All aboard!2013/05/24 22:58 by web - @Bluesman57
@IngrahamAngle @kellyriker Unfortunately it has a terrible side effect. It gives him diarrhea of the mouth.2013/05/24 21:21 by web - @IngrahamAngle
@kellyriker Personally I like President Obama Disappoint Mints. The flavor lasts for 8 years. See pic
http://t.co/t6mINVKGnb2013/05/24 21:56 by web
