Non-Braking News 2/24/13
Our weekly roundup of top stories begins with:
Government Motors formerly known as General Motors is now making Chinallacs formerly known as Cadillacs in China. As a result they are beholden to our dear leader, and governmental control. That's why Ford's slogan is "Go Further", and G.M.'s slogan is "Go Führer."
A 33 year old former teacher of the year was charged with having sex with a 15 year old honors student. When I was growing up an honors student received a certificate, but nowadays the award is having sex with your teacher. I would have done so much better in school.
A widow wants Hallmark to create end of life cards. The company is considering two options, an atheistic version "Congratulations, your death will result in a more evolved, more fit species of man," and a theistic version "If you thought cancer was painful, just wait till you get to hell."
Representative Joe Salazar of Colorado said women couldn't be trusted with guns, and recommends a whistle as a deterrent to rape. So that's why construction workers whistle at beautiful women when they walk by, they're afraid of getting raped.
Senator Jesse Ulaberri said we would be better off stopping mass shooters with ballpoint pens. Well the pen may be mightier than the sword, but not a Smith and Wesson.
Al Qaeda has developed a tipsheet for avoiding drones. I suggest they pair up and wear a camels costume. With desert temperatures over 120 degrees we wouldn't need to waste money on missiles to incinerate them.
Officials say Florida has been overtaken by an invasive species. I'm not referring to senior citizens, but Burmese Pythons. Up to fifteen hundred dollars reward was offered for each dead snake. Obamacare will take care of the senior problem.
Consider this end of life counseling.
That's our top stories of the week roundup.
Non-Braking News: All the news that won't slow you down.
Non-Braking News 1/20/13
Our weekly roundup of top stories begins with:
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg wants to reduce the amount of pain medication administered in hospitals. Women in the maternity ward are screaming for joy.
Iran is planning on sending a monkey into space. There is no word at this time as to who will be running the country.
The Huffington Post had an article claiming George Washington was just like the prophet Muhammad. Well Muhammad cut off limbs, and George cut down a tree. Yep, exactly alike.
A powerful business lobby is pushing for 70 year old eligibility for social security and medicare. On the other hand people who refuse to work for 70 years will have no eligibility restrictions.
Politifact awarded the lie of the year award to a statement by Mitt Romney concerning Jeep, and now we find out that it is in fact true. In other news we found out that the liar of the past four years is still a liar.
The T.S.A. will remove those nude image scanners at airports. Now the agents will have to surf the net for nudity like everyone else.
Governor Andrew Cuomo passed strict new gun restrictions for New York residents. Forgetting to exclude law enforcement means it was either a knee jerk reaction, or the left needed a jerk to react. In either case it's mission accomplished. That rounds our top stories of the week.
Non-Braking News: All the news that won't slow you down.
Weekend warriors
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| It's okay, he's flatter than a pancake, but there's no bullet wounds. |
In N.Y.C. this past Labor Day weekend there were 67 people shot resulting in 10 deaths*. Which goes to prove that our idiot gangsta's can't shoot for shit, especially while their pants are falling down. Since everyone knows it is safer to be a moving target the morons in City Hall decided to to combat gun violence with new bike lanes. This way they figure you could pedal your ass off to dodge the hale of bullets. Now if they could only prevent the trucks from running us over it would really reduce the mortality rate.
*http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/Labor-Day-Violence-New-York-City-shootings-129268118.html
- @Obama_Clock
James Rosen forgot to properly address the Attorney General with the proper salute. Heil Holder!2013/05/23 22:33 by web - Low level government employee: One who lacks a high I.Q. level of 80 like their supervisors. #MathChallengedLerner2013/05/23 22:25 by web
- @stephenfhayes
@OCAmericans It ain't over till the fathead Secretary of State sings.2013/05/23 19:39 by web - @Ringo6
@Ledamaae Anthony Weiner: Hebrew National Embarrassment.2013/05/23 14:37 by web - "Death with dignity" is Euthanasia by lethal injection, and is as dignified as killing a death row inmate, minus that special last meal.2013/05/23 14:20 by web
