Non-Braking News 1/20/13
Our weekly roundup of top stories begins with:
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg wants to reduce the amount of pain medication administered in hospitals. Women in the maternity ward are screaming for joy.
Iran is planning on sending a monkey into space. There is no word at this time as to who will be running the country.
The Huffington Post had an article claiming George Washington was just like the prophet Muhammad. Well Muhammad cut off limbs, and George cut down a tree. Yep, exactly alike.
A powerful business lobby is pushing for 70 year old eligibility for social security and medicare. On the other hand people who refuse to work for 70 years will have no eligibility restrictions.
Politifact awarded the lie of the year award to a statement by Mitt Romney concerning Jeep, and now we find out that it is in fact true. In other news we found out that the liar of the past four years is still a liar.
The T.S.A. will remove those nude image scanners at airports. Now the agents will have to surf the net for nudity like everyone else.
Governor Andrew Cuomo passed strict new gun restrictions for New York residents. Forgetting to exclude law enforcement means it was either a knee jerk reaction, or the left needed a jerk to react. In either case it's mission accomplished. That rounds our top stories of the week.
Non-Braking News: All the news that won't slow you down.
Pink Chinadillac
Well G.M. is opening new dealerships in China, and will build 3 Cadillac models there. In their desire to please Asian customers they have added some unique accessories like rice cookers instead of cup holders, and chopsticks for turn signals. The trunk will be able to accommodate 3 to 4 persons for sleepovers, and all vehicles will have Communist satellite radio. Nothing like a little propoganda when your driving with the roof down, and the toxic smog is blowing through your hair. Prices start at 12,000,000 Yuan, optional equipment extra.
New Pink Chinadillac holds up to 7 people.
Wall Street Bull
Before the Occupy Wall Street Movement tourists were occupying the bronze bull in Bowling Green. Some couples even kissed while they posed for photos under the bulls ass. Since it was the holidays those drunken revelers might have mistaken his balls for mistletoe. The reality is that after the bailouts of Wall Street it would be totally appropriate to have a picture of the ass that shit all over taxpayers. Remember the slogan "Merrill Lynch is bullish on America"? Sorry for the typo it should have been "Merrill Lynch bullshit on Americans".
Bulls and Wall Street, they both stink
Capitalist Pig
Occupy Wall Street is protesting that greedy corporate tycoons are responsible for the economic calamity we currently face. Metaphorically speaking they have skewered capitalists, and hung them over hot coals like uncle Bob's greasy baby back ribs. They must have forgotten that capitalism has enabled Americans to bring home the bacon in quantities that is the envy of every nation on the planet. Want proof? Look at how much food we waste every day, better yet look at our waistlines. It is true that many of our citizens are unemployed and under a lot of pressure, but nothing equals the pressure our denim jeans are subjected to. Day after day size 30 jeans are forced to contain size 36 waists. Not even the San Andreas fault endures that much pressure. Congress has suggested a move to a European style heavily regulated economy. I like to refer to it as the "Mediterranean Economic Diet". Not only will you have less money weighing you down you will have less food, and finally lose those last stubborn 45 lbs. you have been dying to get rid of. Socialism may be good some, but for the rest of us nothing matches the exquisite taste of the capitalist pig, the other white meat. Mmm Mmm Mmm good.
O.W.S. (Overabundant Waist Size) This person eats more than whole villages.
Bloomin Genius
As a N.Y. resident I'm not crazy about Mike Bloomberg. He wants to control what I eat, ticket me for smoking everywhere, and I'm sure he was in my bathroom to check if I wiped myself properly. He is a supporter of the "nanny state" ideology, but was a failure in addressing the widespread law breaking caused by the Occupy Wall Street movement. He took a oath when he became mayor to protect all New Yorkers and enforce the law without prejudice, but has let OWS get away with murder. I'm sorry, I meant rape, violating zoning laws, obstruction violations (tents, camp equipment), setting up a food service kiosk without permits, drugs and drug dealing, violence and theft and this tiny tyrant wants to ticket you for riding your bike the wrong way on a one way street. For someone who prides himself on his governance he sucks. However, I have one good thing to say about him. On Nov. 1 he said;
Let's be honest Wall Street is also responsible, but they could not have shot the economy to shit without the muttonheads in government giving them the guns and bullets. Mikey needs to grow a pair, slip on some elevator shoes, put on a badge, and run them varmints out of town by sundown.
Tough on crime, if you are a jaywalker.
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts
It is hard to imagine how the culture that brought us mathematics could not balance it's own checkbook. The result is that after years of profligate spending the Greeks have found themselves in a hole. No not that one, I was not referring to the sex act named after them. Perhaps that is why they use so much olive oil. Anyway I remember reading that once towering intellects like Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato were common amongst their people, but now their citizens are moronic, maniacal, anarchists who burn banks and riot in the streets. The Trojan horse led to a famous expression "beware of Greeks bearing gifts". Thanks to the bailout by the European Union, and International Monetary Fund that saying has changed to "gift bearing nations get Greeked".
- @PolarCoug
Obama's second favorite bed linens. Egyptian Shiites2013/05/17 22:19 by web - @RCannon74
@ComradeArthur Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesars, and send the IRS a freaking salad.2013/05/17 22:27 by web - @BobG231
Now if we could only get Obamabots to work here.2013/05/17 22:12 by web - I've just been audited by the I.R.S. for conduct unbecoming a taxpayer. #RegisteredRepublican2013/05/17 15:54 by web
- Noah preached about a flood, and built an ark. Al Gore pontificated about rising sea levels and built an ocean view mansion. #Dumbass2013/05/17 15:58 by web
