Asteroids and Hemorrhoids
A CNN reporter while on the air asked the question "is the approaching asteroid caused by global warming?" Scientists claim asteroids are billions of years old, and only approach earth when their trajectory is close enough to be drawn by gravitational pull. Logically speaking global warming does not cause meteors, but does cause brain damage in journalists and politicians. Man is responsible for many global problems, but the media should not try to fabricate the news as it sees fit. If they do then I would like to report that Al Gore said global warming causes hemorrhoids. Apparently excessive gasses and heat caused a vein to fall out of his ass.
Brownhouse gasses cause hemorrhoids.
The Greenfather
The Godfather was the iconic mobster movie, and like many Italian Americans I felt it stereotyped my countrymen negatively. That may be about to change since the mafia has decided to go green. Oh they're still liars, thieves, and murderers, but at least they're concerned about saving the earth. I guess they'll be doing drive by shootings in Prius hybrids, use organic materials for shell casings, and instead of putting a horses head in your bed they'll put it in your bed of roses as fertilizer. The protection racket will remain the same as it always was. It involves extortion to avoid a man caused disaster, and is exactly like the Global Warming scam. Rumors are circulating that Al Gore is trying to muscle his way to the top of the Italian food chain now that they are environmentally friendly. The current Don plans to off him at a Sicilian wedding reception, and gave orders to "leave the gun, take the cannoli."
Keep your friends close, but politicians in your pocket.
The Goreosaur
Scientists have blamed coal, oil, cows, and man for causing climate change. Now a new article claims dinosaur farts were responsible for damaging the eco-system that eventually caused their demise. I thought it was that giant meteor, but I might be wrong. Modern research has determined that the Goreosaurs are now the chief contributor to greenhouse gasses. These are rich, pompous assholes who fly around in private jets, own multiple homes, and employ an entourage of S.U.V.'s to follow them wherever they go. Basically they are parasitic, overweight life forms with the carbon footprint of a Brontosaur. Our only hope is they will die out like the dodo bird, or we can hunt them into extinction for their blubber.
And you thought Bush smelled bad.
The Federal Atmospheric Recovery Tax
Everyone has heard of Anthropomorphic or man made Global Warming, but have you heard of livestock made global warming? I am told the farting, and belching of livestock is a big contributor to greenhouse gases (no pun intended). The government in it's infinite wisdom proposed legislation to tax the emissions of these bovine gas bags*. This tax was estimated to cost $175. per dairy cow, but it was rejected after owners threatened to alter livestock diet with BEANO to avoid the fee. Well what about senior citizens? Older people seem to pass more gas as they age so how about charging them a tax for their contribution to global warming. Proponents have suggested initiating the Federal Atmospheric Recovery Tax commonly known as F.A.R.T. The E.P.A. would set limits, and charges similar to taxing carbon emissions. Several methods of measuring flatus output have been suggested. Government Motors (G.M.) developed a specialized gas gauge, but you would charged for emptying your tank instead of filling it. This was unacceptable as the economically challenged would be walking around with stomach pains all day. The taxi and limousine commission suggested a meter like they have in cabs. You would pay 2.50 for the first fart, .25 for each additional fart, with no charge for the waiting time in between farts. This was voted down as taxi passengers would complain of double billing. The bridge and tunnel authority suggested a system like E-Z pass called E-Z gass. A radio frequency tag would measure each discharge like a car passing the toll plaza and electronically deduct money from your account. Already there has been religious opposition as to how and where the tag would be mounted. Of course I am being facetious, but with a 15 trillion dollar debt this congress will be forced to tax us to death or until they have sucked all the air out of us. They are currently considering the V.A.T. (Value Added Tax) it's possible the F.A.R.T. may not be far behind (pun intended).
I can't gore Al, but I can knock him scentsless
*http://westinstenv.org/news/2008/11/20/epa-proposes-cow-fart-tax/
The Holy book of Al
Nature, the peer reviewed, world renowned science magazine has an article which points to the sun as the primary agent in controlling the climate on earth*. This common sense idea has been known by all peoples, in all places, throughout human history, except to the morons of this current generation.
*http://www.newsroomamerica.com/story/165340.html
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| and blubbering like a beached whale he gave up the ghost 8:17. |
The Holy book of Al 7:22
Then Al, who was known by his followers as the messiah, was mocked, and scourged by the angry crowd who claimed he was a liar and a deceiver. They forced him to carry a solar panel on his shoulders and he was taken to a hill of his water view property to be crucified. With his last breath he cried out, my sun, my sun, why has thou forsaken me?
This story is fictitious and sarcastic. It does not promote violence or encourage it. It is not intended to be sacriligious, but point out the difference between a false prophet and the one true savior.
Beef Blogonoff
- @SuzieWilliams
Mom that's not antibiotics they're injecting into grandmas arm is it? Don't worry honey it's anti-aging medication.2013/05/26 00:48 by web - @jphawkins2009
@RightWingArt Is it Radical I-slam Obama in the nuggets?2013/05/26 00:05 by web - @JonathanHoenig
@SenatorBoxer @FoxNews I'm confused as to how you link a natural disaster with a supposed man induced cause . It's unnatural2013/05/25 12:39 by web - @DarlaQuinn3
@gibletjones @Zite The First Gay President is considering becoming a scoutmaster after his term is finished.2013/05/25 12:00 by web - @jphawkins2009
@RightWingArt It's funny that the President thought a Kennel Club was a sandwich.2013/05/25 12:13 by web
