Oil Barrens
We have been told the U.S. has about as much oil as a pimply faced teen, but the President has not been giving us the whole picture. The fact is the GAO (Government Accounting Office) reports that we have as much oil as all the proven reserves in the entire earth. The only problem is that it must be fracked for access, but that's better than having our asses fracked by the Arabs.
Home of Sheikh Your Booty made possible by U.S. dollars.
Back to the future
It may be hard to believe, but this electric car was built in 1896 and got 40 miles per charge (m.p.c.). Most technologies improve with time, become more efficient, and less expensive, but while this is true for t.v.'s, computers, and cameras, it might not apply to electric cars. The Chevrolet Volt is very expensive, and still only get's 40 m.p.c. So basically there has been no improvement in the m.p.c. in 115 years. While the Volt has a G.P.S, air bags, a.c. and a place for your I-Pod, you can't go any farther than you did a century ago, but at least your going in style.
Campaign 2012
President Obama has enlisted me to help craft his new campaign slogan. His advisors had previously came up with some really bad choices like "Four Wood". I explained to the President that his love of golf wouldn't go over well with his occupier base, and he needed to connect with the 99%. After the recent revelation that the Presidents literary agent had said he was born in Kenya in 1991 they crafted the slogan "Change Kenya believe in". Again I disagreed and explained that it sounded like a question instead of positive messaging. The President himself thought of mocking his opponent and came up with "Read my lips No Newt Taxes". Apparently someone had forgotten to mention Newt had already dropped out of the race so it was scrapped. I finally suggested "At least I won't carjack you". This would appeal to the many racist voters who had feared him and he agreed. Like the President said if you like your car you can keep your car, but you won't be able to afford gas to drive it.
"We suck so you don't have to".
Build it and you will go
Baby boomers are in a very tough financial situation. Our homes have lost value, our 401 k's have lost value, and our bodies have lost more brain cells than green energy has lost stimulus dollars. All we can see at the end of the tunnel is the light a surgeon will be shining into our pupils to see if we have become a human vegetable. Speaking of vegetables will any of us have the resources for a nice planting when we are dead and gone? The cost can be quite high, but one man is about to change all that. Pat Kilby will teach you how to build your own coffin*, and save 80% in the process. Just great, they way I build things I won't be able to die for at least another thirty years.
Damn, I forgot to arrange transportation to the cemetery.
http://ksax.com/article/stories/S2579854.shtml?cat=10230
Bangkok Blues
Recently I blogged about Iran's nuclear scientists exploding, but not necessarily of their own accord. Their demise has been claimed to be the result of Israeli or American assassination. In Bangkok an Iranian suicide bomber attempted to blow up an Israeli diplomat and accidentally blew off his own legs. At least I think it was an accident. Usually the instructions on explosives say light fuse and get away. In this guys case his legs got away, they just forgot to take the rest of him along. It must suck getting 72 virgins with no lower torso.
Damn defective Chinese explosives.
Political Prisoner
You may have heard that Keith Judd a Federal inmate is running in the W.V. Democratic primary against Obama. Surprisingly he made a strong showing, and captured 40% of the votes. There is no chance he will win, but what does that say about how we view our public servants? For one they are just as dishonest as a felon in a correctional facility. So does this mean Blago will again one day govern the most corrupt state in the nation? Probably not. There is one thing for certain the convict is paying his debt to society while Obama creates debt for society. Sometimes the lunatics get run to the asylum, and usually at a lower cost.
Small government starts with an 8X12 office.
Breaking News 5/15/12
Chris Matthews the host of "Hardball" on MSNBC got hardballed on the show Jeopardy finishing dead last. This is a man who repeatedly mocked Sarah Palin, and said don't put her on Jeopardy. The most embarassing moment was when tingles said "I'll take gay presidents for free Alex".
Recently Elizabeth Warren has come under fire for her claim of Native American descent. To this date any evidence to support her assertion has been debunked. My research proves she is in fact a tribal member of the Shinecock and bull tribe.
Newsweek had Obama on the cover adorned with a rainbow halo and the caption "The First Gay President". Contrast this with Vladimir Putin who is skilled at judo and sambo martial arts. One of the titles of the President is Commander and Chief, but with a gay leader it's more like the chief from the Village People.
The President and his cabinet preparing for war.
Julius Caesar Obamanus
Some people believe our President is becoming a dictator thanks to a weak Congress, and the biased Mainstream Media (MM). Historically he is reminiscent of Julius Caesar Obamanus the dictator of the Roman Empire. Obamanus had ordered the gladiator WaPo to destroy his rival Mitt Antony during a campaign at the Coliseum, but WaPo lost and was humiliated. Despite Obamanus losing favor with the peasants he rallyed his followers with his famous quote "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ear-nings". It's a taxing occupation to run an empire into the ground.
Caesar Obamanus, Dick Tater in Perpetuity.
The Peeples Court
About 7% of the population suffers from paruresis also known as shy bladder syndrome. In other words they can't pee in public. I have heard of stage fright, but this is ridiculous. Believe it or not the nanny state has classified this condition as a disability*. This means they will probably get their own bathrooms like those who are wheelchair bound. In fact they can sue if they don't. For these disgruntled peons there is a show on television where they can get justice, and it's called the Peeples Court.
No wonder you can't pee, look at the size of this hairball.
Putin in, Putin out
Well Vladimir Putin won the presidential race in Russia due to an army of sexy young females who were willing to tear of their clothes to show their support. Thanks to them Putin is in. Contrast this with Bill Clinton who also had an army of sexy young supporters. Well maybe not an army, but at least Monica Lewinsky was Putin out. Now we hear President Obama told Putin he'd have more flexibility after the election. It is well known how fond he is of bending over when greeting dignitaries, and I certainly hope he hasn't given the Russian leader the wrong idea.
The President of the U.S. flexing some muscle. Butt muscle.
- @GregWHoward
@peytonjames @john_iamme These are not scandals. These are sandals. Crocs of S**T!2013/06/11 14:35 by web - @PatriotUndrGrnd
@corockymtns @SenFeinstein Feinstein is a Tyrannysure Rex dinosaur.2013/06/11 14:30 by web - @sunnyright
Julian is a douchebag, and the name Assange is derived from Massengil..2013/06/10 18:45 by web - @Hardline_Stance
They should beat her to a pulpo.2013/06/10 18:59 by web - @NEWTPOTUS
In gov't success is measured by losing enough money to justify a tax increase.2013/06/10 17:45 by web
