Robert Mugabe the President of Zimbabwe has been appointed as a leader of tourism by the U.N. This is in spite of the fact that he is a racist dictator, a violator of human rights, and even once said "I am still the Hitler of the time". Well I hope he is not offering free showers as part of those tourist plans. He even made Parade magazines number one worst dictator in the world in 2009, a quality everyone looks for in a leader of tourism. The really bizarre thing is Mugabe is under a European travel ban because of his violent, murderous rampages. I guess those who can't travel become travel agents.
A man who was riding his bicycle flagged down Miami police, and claimed a man was eating another man's face. Rudy Eugene refused to obey the officers orders to stop the attack, and growled at them with a mouthful of flesh. He was then shot and killed. As the saying goes never take a bone from a dog, or meat from a cannibal. I blame this on the Occupy Wall Street's "eat the rich" agenda because when the rich aren't available the homeless will have to do. In a strange turn of events another cannibal showed up, and said I'll have a mug of what he's having.
The U.S. military is the one truly bi-partisan agency in the entire Government. Whether there's a Republican or Democratic Commander in Chief they perform their duties with the same honor and bravery, no questions asked, no politics involved. So it was disheartening that during the Memorial Day Celebrations news anchor Chris Hayes of MSNBC said he didn't feel "comfortable" describing fallen soldiers as heroes. He is one anchor that needs to be cast off, and dropped to the ocean floor. Here he can cavort with the rest of his tentacled, soul sucking liberal friends at MSNBC which stands for: Must Suck Never Being Correct.
Today we honor the men and women who have served and are currently serving in the armed forces. For those who have fallen we can be comforted by what Jesus said "Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends". That is true love, sacred and holy, to be cherished and remembered for eternity. God bless America and her heroes.
If you are old enough you will remember Cheech and Chong the pot smoking duo who made a bunch of movies about being stoned. Well our President has been in the news lately for his drug fueled hijinks in school*. Apparently he and his school buddies enjoyed chooming (smoking pot), and like a true narcissist he liked to "intercept" the joint. That meant taking an additional puff out of turn. We used to call it bogarting, but you could call it being a selfish bastard. That's great, we have a choomer and a moocher as the first family. Sounds like Occupy Wall Street is occupying the White House.
President Obama stepped on a cow pie while campaigning in Iowa. Apparently it had fallen off of Joe Biden's plate.
Henry Kissinger was stopped by TSA agents at LaGuardia airport for carrying a concealed underwear bomb. It turned out to be a fully loaded depends.
Jenna Jameson the former porn star was arrested for hitting a pole. She was distracted by guys sticking dollar bills in her panties and she lost her grip.
A Pakistani doctor who was responsible for providing information that led to to the killing of Osama Bin Laden has been given a 33 year prison sentence. They must be very serious about malpractice suits in Pakistan.
News of Obama's pot smoking days in school has surfaced. He referred to it as chooming. Obama's new slogan "Forward" may have to be changed since it's hard knowing which way is forward with all that smoke burning your eyes. We interrupt this newscast to go live as the Presidents limousine has just pulled up.
Non-Braking News: All the news that won't slow you down.
I previously blogged about Muslim super heroes, and now D.C. comics will be coming out of closet with a gay super hero*. I'm not sure I want to be rescued by Homo-Man, afterall what does that say about my masculinity when I need a guy in in leotards and a tutu to save me? By the way what could Homo-Man save you from anyway? Mismatched window treatments, wardrobe failures, or an interior design faux pas doesn't really seem to be life threatening. That is unless you're Martha Stewart.
When I was growing up the the label "Made in Japan" meant you were buying inferior goods. Today "Made in China" is the successor to that legacy, and while it may be safe to buy a knockoff Gucci handbag you certainly wouldn't want the ejector seat in your F-18 fighter jet to be made in Guangdong. Especially if the instructions were written in Chinese. Unfortunately counterfeit parts from China are finding their way into critical military systems*. The DOD should have known when they went to the parts supplier and he said "take one from column A and one from Column B and you get flee delivery. It's a bitch delivering ordnance by bicycle.
Happy Masturbation Month! It's that time of the year to purchase a 10 gallon container of KY Jelly, assorted porno dvd's, and a Costco sized package of toilet paper because we are gonna party long, and hard all month. Planned Parenthood is sponsoring the event this May, and has some great info on their site. You can discover that masturbating has great health benefits, unless of course you are driving. That it does not lead to blindness unless you slip on the KY, and fall eye first into the corner of your t.v. Most importantly it does not cause mental illness unless you forget to lock the door and granny walks in. Well I have to cut this blog short as I am having trouble typing with one hand. Keep on stroking!
Sung to the melody of Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville:
Wasting away again in Obamaville. Searching for my lost EBT card. Some people say that Bush is to blame, but I know it's Obama's fault.
In all fairness waste is an inherent part of how our government does business. The stimulus programs were notorious for inciting the kind of rip out your hair anger that has taxpayers reduced to maniacal psychopaths. For instance do we really need to spend money to find out that males don't like to wear condoms? You can't even get them to put on rubbers when it's raining for Pete's sake. How about getting monkeys high on cocaine. What exactly was the purpose for doing that other than inciting flash mobs of drug addicted chimps robbing people to get high. Didn't the politicians learn anything after watching Planet of the Apes?