Starbucking
Starbucks received an "A" rating from the N.Y. Health Dept, but when an investigator swabbed the counter he found yeast possibly vaginal in nature*. He also found fecal matter so it's possible a little hanky panky took place where you enjoy your daily latte, and banana bread. Maybe an employee was bucking for a raise, and that counter was where she made her proposal. After a little back and forth negotiations the boss closed the deal and forgot to clean up afterwards. He'll probably won't lose his license, but that yeast infection will make him more bitter than a double espresso.
Hey Randy scrape the counter, we need some yeast for the banana bread.
Baracknophobia
Many people suffer from paralyzing phobias such as fear of animals (zoophobia) or fear of Islam (Islamophobia). Sometimes they are so debilitating that a person can't even leave their home (agoraphobia). Lately I have been stricken with a number of irrational fears. One is a fear of t.v. clowns which I call CARNEYPHOBIA, and another is a dread of time which I call BARACKNOPHOBIA. It is a fear of four more years.
Fore more years and I can sink this economy like a birdie on the 18th hole.
Necrophilimania
Here is a recent fatwa issued by an Imam in Morocco that is stirring a lot of controversy.
"Since a good Muslim couple will meet again in Heaven, and since death does not alter the marital contract, it is not a hindrance to the husband's desire to have sexual intercourse with the corpse of his (freshly) deceased wife." -Imam Abdelbari Zemzam*
The question I have is what constitutes "freshly deceased"? The answer by the Imam is 6 hours. He figured since G_d made the world in 6 days 6 would be an appropriate number, but obviously by that many days flies, mites, beetles, and the putrid stink should keep any horny Arab at bay. So he decided 6 hours would be a better choice. Some people have referred to this ruling as "farewell intercourse". In the past I had assumed farewell intercourse meant having sex before you ended a relationship. Now it means having sex after she has departed this world. Maybe I shouldn't have dumped my wifes lifeless body so soon.
In related news Hosing Mubbarack discovered having sex with his mummy.
*http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2012/04/necrophilia_is_not_a_joke.html
Carry a big stick
Loveable Joe, Biden his time till brain transplants are perfected said that "the president has a big stick". Some people have interpreted it to mean that Obama like many of the Nubian population is well endowed, or he actually has a big ugly stick which he repeatedly pummels his wife with, or he is somehow related to Teddy Roosevelt. As a white African American Obama may be partly related to Teddy and that's why Biden only used 50% of his quote "walk softly and carry a big stick" . While that seems to be a logical choice I still prefer the ugly stick scenario. For your perusal.
Put that stick down Barack, I'm going on Oprah.
Coal Car
I just read that Mass. is installing electric car charging stations. You drive up, plug in, and best of all it's free. I don't remember electricity being free so I assume tax payers will pay for the electricity, also the installation of the station, and of course the rebate on the Chevy Volt. So basically we are subsidizing people who can afford to spend 40k and up for a car. What happened to that class warfare bullshit we have been hearing so much about? The biggest irony in this fiasco is that the electricity to charge your "green" auto comes from coal fired power plants. Why not cut out the middleman and make coal powered cars instead?
Back to the Future: An early coal powered car.
Update: Fuller Brush Company to receive 20 million dollars from DOE to develop static electricity powered car.
A Driveway to Heaven
A church in Fl. is offering drive thru prayer service for motorists. In the past you have been able to order food, get married, and even attend a funeral without leaving your car. I was just wondering if I could get cheese with that communion wafer. Originally I had considered taking a stairway to heaven, but why walk when you can drive there?
You know walking down is much easier.
Parking Lot Pirates
It seems the Department of Homeland Security spent the past 2 and 1/2 years investigating pirates. Not the ones like they have in Somalia where they kidnap you and kill you unless a ransom is paid. They were trolling for pirates who sell knockoff handbags, and DVD's at flea markets. Personally I've never been attacked by a fake Coach handbag except that one time I tried to pick up a lesbian. I had leather burns on my face for a week. Currently there are between 200-500 Hezbollah roaming around the U.S, but since they are legitimate Homeland Security doesn't want to be bothered with them. At least I can sleep soundly knowing I won't be getting keel hauled or forced to walk the plank.
That leg is a fake! Arrest him.
Snookie Street
The U.S. government is spending 20 million dollars for a Pakistani version of "Sesame Street". They were considering the "Muppets" then realized Miss Piggy is an inappropriate role model for Muslims. Perhaps they could produce a muppet version of "Jersey Shore" although the only difference between Snookie and Miss Piggy is one is a porker and one is a pig. No matter how you dress them up they're both a boar, but are more appealing when coupled with a nice glass of Pino Noir.
Getting stoned has a whole new meaning
Chimpenomics
Scientists claim Capuchin monkeys understand the value of money. Well I've heard of supply side economics, trickle down economics, and even experienced failed Obamanomics, but have never heard of Chimpenomics. Maybe humans aren't the only primates who could run the Federal Reserve, although a chimps concept of a deficit is having one banana short of a bunch. Ben Bernanke's concept of money is that it grows on trees. A coincidence? Me thinks not.
Federal Reserve Chairman Bubbles Bernanke
Professor GeoBama
President Obama has come under fire lately for historical and geographical errors. He once claimed there were 57 states, and that Austrian was a language. Now at the Summit of the Americas he made the mistake of calling the Malvinas (aka Falkland Islands) the Maldives. The Maldives are located in the Indian Ocean on the other side of the world. I can't blame him. He was so excited at the prospect of 26 atolls . That could bring in a lot of revenue.
Michelle is currently vacationing in the Cyanide Peninsula.
- @johnhawkinsrwn
When Joe Biden accidentally had butt plugs implanted in his skull instead of hair plugs he bought a new #AssHat2013/05/21 19:12 by web - @9746LAK
She should get that vaccination to prevent old age that death row criminals get.2013/05/21 19:33 by web - @texasmcmanus
@CelesteHerget @NBCDFW Nidal Hasan already received the death penalty. He'll be dead of old age before the trial starts.2013/05/21 19:28 by web - @middlemom
Vermont uses lethal injection, and it is about as dignified as killing a criminal on death row. Minus that special last meal.2013/05/21 19:18 by web - @keder
Sheldon Whitehouse: NASCAR causes tornadoes by driving in circles.2013/05/21 15:49 by web
