I am not one complain, but this is a very strange world we live in. The incident where a man had explosives in his underwear for instance. Question: Why does someone host a barbecue 30,000 feet in the air with smoked nuts and a roasted weiner? Answer: It's because the airlines cut back on meal service. Thanks to Richard Reid the sneaker bomber we have to take off our shoes at the airport so does that mean will we now have to remove our underwear? The TSA agents will assume that brown stain in your shorts is a explosive material, and will have to evacuate the airport. That's why your mom always told you to "wear clean undies".
High end sex workers in Spain are refusing to service bankers. Apparently prostitutes also have a penalty for early withdrawals, but the reality is that they are mad that bankers won't extend lines of credit to cash strapped people. Of course the evil capitalists have come up with a devious solution, they just lie about their occupations. What else is new? Men have been lying, and paying for sex for centuries anyway. If you are really smart and in the banking business like the former chief of the International Money Fund Dominique Strauss Kahn you simply change jobs. France officially charged him with "aggravated pimping" so I guess he is now in the service industry. It certainly is better than the aggravating maid service he experienced at the Sofitel Hotel.
There is a new triple x (xxx) internet domain to be used strictly for porno sites. Such URL's (uniform resource locators) would appear as mrsbuttersworth.xxx for instance. Up to 900,000 parties were preregistered, some merely to prevent obnoxious individuals from using their names. For instance georgebush.xxx or dickcheney.xxx. Not to be outdone P.E.T.A. (people for the ethical treatment of animals) will be launching their own porn site*. I'm not really sure how that will prevent the mistreatment of animals. Every knows the porno industry degrades, and abuses it's workers.
An 1,100 pound Spanish bull named Raton has been credited with his third kill. That's strange considering his owner gets $13,000. for each of Raton's performances which sounds like a professional hit if you ask me. When questioned about the bull's viciousness the owner said it was rumored Raton's girlfriend wound up medium rare on someones dinner plate.
A N.A.S.A. intern and two of his friends wrote a paper claiming aliens would kill us if we don't reduce our carbon emissions. While the report was circulating a U.F.O. appeared in China, possibly because they are the worst polluter on the face of the planet. As it turns out the little green men just stopped to get some takeout moo goo gai pan. They had no choice since a trillion light years is outside the delivery area.
The Dept. of Labor has come up with new rules and regulations for herding goats and sheep. That's right, the U.S. has finally been returned to it's place of preeminence in the world. While others are developing sophisticated weapons, software programs, and electronics we are pioneering the field of goat herding, and only 2,000 years too late. The Dept. of Health will be issuing new guidelines for those who engage in intercourse with the herds as we already lead the world in sexual diseases. Some new public service billboards will feature slogans like, always have a condom with ewe, venereal disease is baaad, and don't tenderize the lamb till it's a chop. In the governments never ending love affair with regulations the newly formed Dept. of Camels and Tents enacted such strict rules Mohamar Ghadaffi was forced to take his tent down and move to a hotel.
Janet Napolitano head of the D.H.S. wants to conduct an earthquake preparedness drill. Her recommendations are drop, take cover, and hold on. You can just imagine that during an earthquake a large section of earth will open so you can DROP in. As tectonic plates continue moving they will COVER you in dirt. Just HOLD on and in a couple of hundred years archeologists will find your mummified body, and safely store you in a national museum.
Every country has developed a program to help it's poor. Whether it's welfare, workfare, food stamps, or taxing rich people, they are all doomed to fail. People need to be empowered, to take matters into their own hands so to speak. That's where sperm donation comes in. California's Cryobank pays up to $100. per deposit. Just think of all the money you flushed down the toilet in your youth. Business has climaxed 20% in this current recession, and even Bill Clinton secretly signed up. When it became public knowledge he claimed "I did not have sexual relations with that hand". Don't be an idiot working the dull 9 to 5, sperm donors are beating poverty one jerk at a time.
Ben and Jerry's has come up with a new flavor of ice cream to support gay marriage, and the cover has a picture of two men on a wedding cake. It's called Apple-y Ever After, but I seem to remember it was Eve who ate the apple and not Adam. So how come there aren't two women on the cake? My investigation has turned up a possible scenario to this snafu. Ben and Jerry's is owned by Unilever, which also makes Vaseline, which also makes gay men Apple-y Ever After. Case closed.
Where else but in San Francisco could the local government spend $699,413. on a ten foot ramp for wheelchair accessibility? Board President David Chiu defended the project and said the cost is "significantly" lower than the 1.1 million dollar original plan*. WTF that's over 100k a foot. I thought the defense department spending $640. on a toilet seat was bad, but if our service men and women are going to put their ass on the line the least they deserve is a good seat.