Yoga Party
San Francisco airport has developed a new strategy to help passengers endure the stress of invasive T.S.A. screening procedures. Their solution is a yoga room. Here you can relax with soothing music, aromatherapy, and stretching exercises to make your genitals and anus more accessible to the probing hands of the eager agents who are dedicated to a safer America. Have a pleasant flight.
Hey there's a fuse coming out of...Oops its a Kotex.
The old gray nag
A study of 3,000 people found that wives spend 7,920 minutes a year nagging their husbands. The average nagging session lasts up to an hour, but to us men it seems like an eternity. For the wives it is time well spent as we cave as easily as Kahlid Sheikh Mohammed did when he was waterboarded. Actually I might prefer waterboarding to nagging, at least it will cure my dehydration. Another article says nagging is more toxic than adultery so rather than nag my wife I plan on having an affair. It's the least I can do to prove I love her. There is one saving grace and that is the aging process. Already my hearing has diminished so I only notice half the nagging I used to, and thanks to my wife's increasing forgetfulness she can't remember what she wanted to nag about in the first place. Thank goodness the old gray nag ain't what she used to be.
Do you know you can also cook with that pan?
Be on the lookout (BOLO)
Imagine the police issuing a BOLO (Be on the lookout) using this PC (politically correct) description: "XY gened human, - 50% average median height, + 75% average median weight, talipes equinovarus of the left foot, and possessing extreme kyphosis. What are the odds this person would be apprehended? Now the politically incorrect description: Short, fat, male with a clubbed left foot, and a hunchback. Now this guy would be busted before he could hobble a hundred feet, and climb the bell tower.
I got a hunch the police looking for me.
The Seal of disapproval.
I happen to think Heidi Klum is one very attractive woman, and I was quite surprised when I learned that she married Seal. I'm not referring to the semi-aquatic marine mammal although they do share the same skin color. He is an R&B singer from England, and recently released a greatest hits album. He also looks like the recipient of a few too many hits himself. They are currently filing for divorce. I am sure sure when they decided to get married Heidi's family gave him the Seal of disapproval.
I guess they do club baby Seals.
It was only an itch.
A man accidentally shot himself in the testicles in a Lowe's store in Seattle, and the police classified the incident as an "accidental discharge". Personally I've had a few of those occur in my boxers, but they were never caused by a firearm. Apparently it is a common practice to carry a gun in your pants with the barrel facing down toward your penis, but no normal person would carry a knife like that so why a gun? It was rumored it all began with an enterprising armed robber. When he walked up to the clerk at the local convenience store and stuck his hand down his crotch he knew the clerk would figure he just had jock itch, or the crabs. Then when he pulled out a gun it took his unwary victim completely by surprise. Thanks to that incident every time you walk in a 7/11 and reach down to scratch your nuts Mohammed jumps over the counter and starts swinging a golf club at you.
Where's my 9 iron? I'm going to fire that damn caddy.
Proud to be an American
How many times have you heard someone say I'm damn proud to be ___ (fill in the blank). The fact is no matter what nation, race, or culture your from they all share serious faults. If I am an evolutionist then I really have nothing to brag about. Can I say I am better because I evolved from bacteria and you evolved from fungus? That's probably why you have athletes feet, jock itch, and dandruff. Maybe I'm better because I descended from Capuchin monkeys and you descended from bonobos. Bonobos practice homosexuality, orgies, and occasionally cannabalism. Kind of a "love em and eat em attitude". That's something you can proudly wear on a T shirt. What if I am Greek? I'd be proud because we developed philosophy, and mathematics, but it is not very flattering that Greece is now bankrupt, and anal sex is referred to as doing it Greek. I used to be proud to be an American, but now we are a debtor nation, have over thirty million people on food stamps, a third of our young people have been arrested, and our students trail most nations in math and science. Well maybe I can still be proud of the fact that the rest of the world still wants to be like us. The proof is that they proudly wear tee shirts with either the American flag or our states and cities on them. When was the last time you saw someone wearing a tee shirt that said Tehran, or Pongyang?
A Greek wearing an I love NY shirt.
The angry inch
Well it's more like the angry inch and a half. That's how much penis was lost when a man riding a motorcycle was hit by a van. The court awarded him over 7.5 million dollars or nearly 5 mill per inch lost. The reality is he should be compensated over the percentage of loss incurred. For instance if he was originally 9 inches long he only lost a little over 16%. If he was originally 3 inches long he lost 50% a much bigger tragedy, and logically worthy of a bigger payout. The truth is most of us never realize the little fella could be worth so much money, but frankly I wouldn't want my greedy wife to get any bright ideas about making a few bucks. Consequently I will be hiding this article from her. No sense in losing sleep over waking up a little less erect tomorrow. Some of us can't afford to lose an inch and a half no matter how much we gain.
Isn't that where it's supposed to be?
The Stinky City
Overcrowding is a way of life whether your on a bus, train, or Black Friday checkout counter, but now overcrowding is also affecting the dead. Chicago, that piss poor welfare state, and sewer of political corruption has 500 dead bodies in a morgue that only can accommodate 300. Well whats the big deal you say, the prisons are overcrowded also. That's true and the ACLU seems to be making a big stink about it, but what kind of stink will they raise when those dead popsicles start defrosting? In fact Rahm Emanuel may issue a writ of Habeus Corpus (Latin "you may have the body"). He doesn't like competition from the other corrupt stiffs.
Umm, I can smell the decomp already.
Big F-ing Deal
A Japanese department store is holding a sale that is sure to knock your shorts off. Frankly I believe the sign is a little inaccurate as you really need to have at least 50% off before you can be classified as fuckin. As a matter of fact with only 20% off you can say it is not much of a sale at all. In the past the Japanese made cheap imitations, but now they figure they'll just try to screw you out of a good deal.
Breaking news: Nuclear Explosion in Iran
In Tehran there was another nuclear explosion bringing the number to four since Jan. 2010. Actually it is the nuclear scientists who are exploding and not the Bushehr reactor. Hopefully the Iranians will run out of scientists before any real damage can be done. While Ahmadinejad has claimed the U.S.and Israel are behind the bombing of it's scientists, everyone knows you have to break a few eggheads when your cooking an atomic omelette.
Another Iranian scientist loses his head in eggplosion.
- @johnhawkinsrwn
When Joe Biden accidentally had butt plugs implanted in his skull instead of hair plugs he bought a new #AssHat2013/05/21 19:12 by web - @9746LAK
She should get that vaccination to prevent old age that death row criminals get.2013/05/21 19:33 by web - @texasmcmanus
@CelesteHerget @NBCDFW Nidal Hasan already received the death penalty. He'll be dead of old age before the trial starts.2013/05/21 19:28 by web - @middlemom
Vermont uses lethal injection, and it is about as dignified as killing a criminal on death row. Minus that special last meal.2013/05/21 19:18 by web - @keder
Sheldon Whitehouse: NASCAR causes tornadoes by driving in circles.2013/05/21 15:49 by web
