Chop till they drop.
New Arabic text books show children how to cut off hands, and feet of thieves according to Sharia law. When I went to school the only thing I ever cut was class, and to think how guilty I felt about that. You can just imagine if you are a child in Saudi Arabia and want to try out as pitcher for the little league you would probably be chosen by how well you threw rocks at adulterers instead of baseballs at batters. I guess your never to young to learn how to dispense justice. I prefer dispensing a good old fashioned egg cream instead.
Those children sure are handy with a knife.
Die trying
Take Rodney Dangerfield, Milton Berle, and the Three Stooges to man the suicide hot line and what do you have? People dying of laughter. Now take Richard Dawkins, Karl Marx, and Friedrich Nietzsche to man those same suicide hotlines and what do you have? A coroner shortage. Yep, there would be so many stiffs they would have to hack them up and put them in Ziploc bags. (Caution, don't mix them up with your kids school lunch). Geniuses for some reason can only think according to the formulas and parameters of logic. In effect they are trapped in a box, kind of like those annoying mimes. On the other hand comedy is the opposite of rationality, or as Groucho Marx said "humor is reason gone mad". So if life is so bad your considering jumping out your window make sure you don't have a balcony, or if your planning on taking a bath with an electrical device make sure it's not battery powered. As for me "I intend to live forever, or die trying".
Oh! so it's bite bullet eh.
The Maul of America
The Mall of America is our premier shopping center, and is the largest mall in the world. I was quite surprised to read that 200 teenagers mobbed the mall causing riots and forcing shoppers to run for cover. Maybe it was the rumor that rappers Drake and Lil Wayne were supposed to appear which attracted them, or maybe it was just some last minute Christmas shoplifting. When I was a teenager we would offer to carry the bags for the adults when they went shopping, now the kids just carry the bags off. I'm not saying the youth today are no good. They are perfect for target practice, and genetic experimentation. Maybe Dr. Moreau had a good idea after all.
Now appearing at the Maul of America
Are you gellin?
There is a new gel on the market that retails for 125 British pounds and it is not made by Dr. Scholl. In fact it is purposely designed to increase a woman's breast size, and is appropriately called ""boob job in a bottle. While most doctors are skeptical about it's claims I am not. I once rubbed a gel on a certain part of my body and immediately noticed an increase in size. The jar came in a box, and was appropriately called "boner in a box". You know the next time I see a large breasted woman I may be tempted to ask "are you gellin"?
Carrying those around certainly qualifies as a boob job. I hope she is paid by the pound.
Hey buddy you got a light?
You may remember it was Christmas 2009 that some moron tried to host a barbecue on a jet 30,000 feet in the air with roasted nuts and a toasted weiner. His name was Farouk Abdulmutallab a.k.a the underwear bomber, and his high flying shenanigans may have been influenced by the Christmas song about "nuts roasting over an open fire". Thanks to his foolishness millions of Americans will be subjected to having latex gloved individuals handling their privates as they travel. Which reminds me it's time for my yearly prostate exam. It's swollen like a pineapple, and the T.S.A. figures I am trying to smuggle a hand grenade in my shorts.
I knew something was wrong when he pulled down his pants and said "anybody got a light"?
I’ve got a big mouth.
Well not this big, but it is surprising to see the kinds of mutilation people will endure to make themselves beautiful. Whether it's slicing your skin, putting a bone through your nose, or piercing your jaw with a javelin, the more pain the more beauty. In our advanced society the pain associated with beauty is administered by a Cosmetic Surgeon under anesthesia. So having your lips enlarged like Angelina Jolie is easy and pain free. Maybe having a biggg mouth like our friend in the picture is a beautiful thing. Although it can be embarrassing when the plate is removed and it sags like a pelicans pouch, but at least he can go swimming and fishing at the same time. Plus it's nice to know you always have a plate available when lunch is ready.
I wonder where he keeps the silverware?
High School Crapeteria
Thanks to Michelle Obama the school lunch program in Ca. has gone upscale. They are now serving vegetable curry, lentil and brown rice cutlets, quinoa, and black eyed pea salads. Umm delish! I hope they serve a nice Chardonnay with the meal. Needless to say the students hate it, and as a result most of it is thrown away like our taxpaying dollars. The only plate Michelle and her fat ass should be concerned about is the one that is needed to cover the enormous hole in her skull.
Where's the section for Spam?
McAnus Burger
It seems that inmates are always complaining about the food served in prisons. Recently they struck a deal to have McDonalds provide the meals once a week to remind them of the wonderful world that awaits them when they are released. In honor of their newest customers McDonalds has specially prepared a new sandwich. Already it's a prison favorite.
Now I know where the special sauce comes from.
Dying to get laid.
Gay men now have the option of being buried in a custom homo-erotically designed coffin. A unique accessory that's necessary when being shoved into a deep dark hole. The one in the picture has all the options including a rubberized mattress (for those embarrassing stains), lubricated hinges (for those embarrassing squeaking sounds), and a butt anchor to keep your body from sliding around as it's lowered. Dying to get laid to rest has never been more fashionable.
That coffin is fagtastic.
The IL is gone.
Kim Jung Il the leader of North Korea who held the world hostage by threatening nuclear Armageddon has died. He is now part of the historic record of leaders with a Napoleanic Complex and who have attempted to overcome their inferiority by conquering the world. It's important to point out that Kim Jong at 5'3" or Ahmadinejad at 5'2" could not even see eye to eye with Hitler who was 5'8". Personally I've got nothing against little people (I'm one of them), but everyone should know their proper place in the food chain. In prehistoric times giants ruled the earth, but these diminutive mutants seek to destroy the order of the natural world. They are attempting to overthrow the "big fish eat the little fish" theory of evolution by seeking to dominate the larger, smarter, and more powerful predators. By their logic the villain in the movie "Jaws" would be a sardine. Now there's a story about a man eating fish.
Another shrimp sleeps with fishes.
- @johnhawkinsrwn
When Joe Biden accidentally had butt plugs implanted in his skull instead of hair plugs he bought a new #AssHat2013/05/21 19:12 by web - @9746LAK
She should get that vaccination to prevent old age that death row criminals get.2013/05/21 19:33 by web - @texasmcmanus
@CelesteHerget @NBCDFW Nidal Hasan already received the death penalty. He'll be dead of old age before the trial starts.2013/05/21 19:28 by web - @middlemom
Vermont uses lethal injection, and it is about as dignified as killing a criminal on death row. Minus that special last meal.2013/05/21 19:18 by web - @keder
Sheldon Whitehouse: NASCAR causes tornadoes by driving in circles.2013/05/21 15:49 by web
