Guitards
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| Beautiful axe, but where are your papers? |
The Feds raided the Gibson guitar factory and confiscated pallets of wood with the claim that they were illegally harvested*. This means your Les Paul can be confiscated, and you can be fined if you don't have the proper documentation. The really bizarre thing is that the Fish and Wildlife Dept. is conducting the investigation. Shouldn't they be confiscating the Fender Mustang instead?
Updates: The Dept. of Justice has been accused of selling guitars to Mexican drug cartels who then converted them into bows and arrows and were shooting them at customs agents. The operation was called axewalker.
Homeland Security detained an undocumented ebony fingerboard at the border. Aliens were let through and escorted to the nearest Social Security office.
*http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424053111904787404576530520471223268.html
Catatonic shock
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| Oh Shit, he's bigger than my dog! |
A housing worker in Brooklyn killed a 3 foot rat*, and fire department hook and ladders were immediately dispatched to the scene. Why? How else are you going to rescue all the cats hiding in the trees?
*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2030226/Housing-worker-kills-giant-rat-New-York-project.html
Dead Broke
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| Damn, Rahmen noodles again. |
Illinois cannot afford to bury it's poor dead people due to it's budget problems*. The fact that they can't afford to feed their poor people may be the reason. I've heard Chicago's deficit is so bad their food banks only stock Rahmen noodles.
The perfect storm
Hurricane Irene is barreling up the East Coast with winds up to 100 m.p.h, and heading directly toward my apartment in Lower Manhattan*. In spite of the possible loss of life and billions of dollars in damages there are some who look on every disaster as "an opportunity to do things you think you could not do before"**. I guess by that they mean surfing 20 foot waves in the Hudson River, snorkeling the ruins of Wall Street, and catching striped bass from my 11th floor balcony. Some intelligentsia will see this as opportunity for stimulus spending. Maybe I can get in on that "cash for lunkers program***.
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| She looked taller in the photos. |
*http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/hurricane_irene_carolina_path_toward_993RrKolrBSXAaTBOMi4YL
**Quote from Rahm Emanuel.
***A lunker is a large fish. This program does not exist, but it should.
Regulation irregularity
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| It sure beats walking |
Our government has created more stupid rules, regulations, and laws than you can possibly imagine*. This is not a recent phenomenon, and has been going on for hundreds of years. For instance in Kentucky every citizen is required by law to take a shower once a year, and that's why Willie Nelson had to move to Alabama. In Mass. no gorilla is allowed in the backseat of any car. I guess that means it's okay if they are in the front seat. In New Mexico females may not appear unshaven in public. They passed that law after they saw Madonna's center fold in Playboy magazine. In North Carolina it is illegal to sing off key. I hear Whitney Houston is eligible for parole in about fifty years. In Rhode Island you are not allowed to bite off any ones leg. That law was passed after police took a look in Jeffrey Dahmer's refrigerator. In Utah it is illegal not to drink milk. Unfortunately for the lactose intolerant it is also illegal to fart in public. By some estimates all these bizarre laws that are still on the books would imprison at least 50% of the population. Apparently there must be a law banning common sense somewhere.
Have you herd the news
The Dept. of Labor has come up with new rules and regulations for herding goats and sheep*. That's right, the U.S. has finally been returned to it's place of preeminence in the world. While others are developing sophisticated weapons, software programs, and electronics we are pioneering the field of goat herding, and only 2,000 years too late. The Dept. of Health will be issuing new guidelines for those who engage in intercourse with the herds as we already lead the world in sexual diseases. Some new public service billboards will feature slogans like; Always have a condom with ewe. Venereal disease is baaad, and don't tenderize the lamb till it's a chop. Some say the assholes in government have gone too far. I say they haven't gone far enough because they're still on this fucking planet!
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| I hope Obamacare covers antibiotics. |
Bird Brain
A Burbank businessman has been arrested for feeding pigeons. He may get up to 6 months in prison, and a $1,000. fine*. I have nothing against feeding these flying lab rats of bacterial plague, but I think this man deserves a nice long vacation in Gitmo. Feeding birds near an airport has to be the stupidest idea to come along since teaching Saudi's how to fly a jumbo jet, and skipping the lesson on how to land.
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| Mmm they must have had chicken for lunch, there's wings everywhere |
*http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-bob-hope-pigeons-20110822,0,1666029.story
The Day After
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| The Day After. Earthquake or another Hip Hop barbecue |
*http://news.yahoo.com/quake-rocks-washington-area-felt-east-coast-181550612.html
Little green enviro monsters
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| These noodles are heavenly |
Heavy petting
There is a new triple x (xxx) internet domain to be used for porno sites starting in December. Such URL's (uniform resource locators) would appear as mrsbuttersworth.xxx for instance. Already up to 900,000 parties have preregistered, some merely to prevent obnoxious individuals from using their names. For instance georgebush.xxx or dickcheney.xxx. Not to be outdone P.E.T.A. (people for the ethical treatment of animals) will be launching their own porn site*. I'm not really sure how that will prevent the mistreatment of animals. Every knows the porno industry degrades, and abuses it's workers.
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| I'm gonna spank you, you dirty dog! |
*http://newsbusters.org/blogs/noel-sheppard/2011/08/20/peta-launch-porn-site
- @peytonjames
@worldnetdaily There is no doubt Hillary needs a cover-up. A Burqa would be preferred.2013/05/19 22:18 by web - @GeneMcVay
So the roaches at the U.N. encourage eating another group of roaches. Insecticide means war!2013/05/19 22:03 by web - @PatDollard
Yeah well my wife didn't like the Burqa anyway. Wrong color?2013/05/19 22:47 by web - @davidjones720
@hankpannell The original motto for welfare was "We'll fare better never working."2013/05/19 22:11 by web - @rightwingertoo
I wish Hallmark made a sympathy/race card to send him.2013/05/19 22:30 by web
