An Islamic Cleric issued a Fatwa banning women from turning on air conditioners because it leads to "immorality." If that's true Eskimo's must have the horniest women on the planet. Perhaps the Clerics logic is not tied to the temperature, but the vibration. When the compressor kicks in, and it starts banging away it may simulate a favorite sex toy. Maybe reducing the temperature allows women to remove their multi-layered Burqa, and discover that there are some body parts specifically designed for pleasure. All you have to do is adjust the knob.
Kermit Gosnell has been convicted of first degree murder for killing three babies, but he will not get the death penalty. I guess you can say Kermit botched abortions, but the prosecutor botched justice. Now Planned Parenthood has an add that features a woman holding a child, and says "Your baby will thank you."
Well underage girls might thank you for giving them a job at a clinic where they can perforate your bowels with infected instruments, or where they saved a Bhutanese woman from being "punished with a baby" by overdosing her with sedatives. The plumber might thank you since he will get a lot of business removing limbs from Planned Parenthood's clogged toilets, but the children will never get to thank you. It's hard to utter a sound when you've been decapitated.
I had planned to show an image of an aborted child, but it is so disturbing I'm having nightmares while awake.
Jeffrey Kluger of Time magazine warned that Manhattan could soon be underwater. Former Science Czar John Holdren predicted the same thing 42 years ago. They would be correct if they were talking about our deficit, but they are not. Noah preached about a great flood around 2348 B.C. so he built an ark to escape, but when Al Gore pontificated about rising sea levels he built an ocean view mansion instead. I guess he figured he would part the sea like Moses did, they don't call him the High Priest of Gullobal Warming for nothing. One thing I will admit is that gullobal warming does appear to affect it's followers in the same way, it causes water on the brain.
I am not an animal rights activist, but I do not believe in animal abuse either. That is with the possible exception of slaughtering Wagyu cattle, and roasting it on an open fire. Needless to say a number of troubling stories have surfaced recently. One is that a Public School Behavioral Specialist had sex with a dog. I don't find that behavior particularly appropriate, unless of course you are a bitch. The other is a gentleman by the name of David Beckman who sexually abused his pet peacock which I assumed was impossible unless you possessed a pea sized cock. When it comes to animals your motto should be "love it or eat it".
Our weekly roundup of top headlines begins with:
Chris Christie came under fire from P.E.T.A. for killing a spider in front of school children. Animal rights activists claim that spider would have done a better job of protecting the President from flies than putting him on the "no fly list."
Rep. Janice Hahn said Obamacare will prevent bad marriages because women won't have marry a creep just to get his healthcare. So all those years of buying women expensive dinner and drinks could have been saved by just pulling out my health card?
Former Governor Bill Richardson said "No, I don't think he (Senator Ted Cruz) should be defined as a Hispanic." So a half Mexican (Richardson) said a half Cuban (Cruz) shouldn't be defined as Hispanic. That reminds me of the saying "the half black pot calling the half black kettle not black."
James Carville said "I don't view Rachel Maddow as far left." Well I view her as so far left she would have to go right just to go straight, no offense to her sexual orientation.
Joe Biden said the Boston bombers were "cowardly, knock off Jihadi's." Killing 3 people and injuring 264 is a pretty good imitation of Jihad, and much better than Biden's imitation of an intelligent life form.
Taxpayer bailed out General Motors is building a new plant in China. Rumors are the new Chinadillac comes with chopstick turn signals, heated green tea cup holders, and Communist satellite radio.
Elijah Cummings said to the Benghazi witnesses"death is just a part of life." Only a politician could get away with saying that getting raped, tortured, and dragged through the streets in a shithole called Libya while serving your country is just a part of life. The biblical prophet Elijah was taken up by a whirlwind into the heavens, Elijah Cummings is just taking up space.
Philadelphia will host the first masturbate-a-thon during the Happy Masturbation month of May. I certainly hope it doesn't coincide with the Philly cream cheese festival because that would be awkwart.
Please forgive the typos, it's hard to type with one hand. That's our top headlines of the week roundup.
Non-Braking News: All the news that won't slow you down.
Taxpayer bailed out General Motors is building a new plant in China. In their desire to please Asian customers they have added some unique accessories like rice cookers built into the glove box, heated green tea cup holders, and chopstick turn signals. The trunk will be able to accommodate 3 to 4 persons for sleepovers, and all vehicles will have Communist satellite radio. Nothing like a little propaganda when your driving with the windows open, and the toxic smog is blowing through your hair. Prices start at 12,000,000 Yuan, safety equipment is optional.
While I have never considered it, but it is possible to purchase a mail order bride. With the way my packages are damaged in transit I would hope there is at least good return policy. Well now you can order your pride online, or at least preserve it. Going to the pharmacy to pick up your Viagra in front of all your neighbors can be an emasculating experience, at least that's what I've been told. So in order to retain what shred of dignity you have left you will now be able to buy your medication online and have it arrive in a plain brown wrapper, kind of like those other disgusting things you purchase. So now your "Depend" adult diapers, and Viagra can be delivered discreetly so you will be covered both coming and going.
Many schools have an annual fair where students get to demonstrate their scientific projects and inventions. In my youth I opted for the volcano that spewed magma because creating a mess is what I do best. Recently a straight-A 18 year old student was arrested for building an IED (improvised explosive device). Apparently he wanted to create a very big mess. I don't understand why students are so eager to destroy property and lives. When I grew up the only thing we killed was time, and the only property we blew up was the toilet at school.
In honor of Masturbate Month Philadelphia will be sponsoring it's first masturbate-a-thon. I hope it doesn't coincide with the Philly cream cheese festival, that could be awkward. Anyway it's that time of the year to purchase a gallon container of KY Jelly, some porno dvd's, and a Costco sized box of toilet paper because we are gonna party long, and hard all month. The originator of Masturbate Month was Planned Parenthood, and they have some interesting info on their site. You will discover that masturbating has great health benefits, unless of course you are driving. That it does not lead to blindness unless you slip on vaseline, and fall eye first into the corner of your dresser. Most importantly it does not cause mental illness unless you forget to lock the door and granny walks in. Well I have to cut this blog short as I am having trouble typing with one hand. Keep on stroking!
Chris Christie has come under fire for many things, one being his weight. Why are we infatuated with the weight of someone who has successfully dealt with his states gut busting deficit, trimmed the fat from overlapping social programs, and reduced the constant bloating and swelling of property taxes? If you hate the man's policies that's fine, just remember not to criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their size 10-6E shoes. Now Chris is being criticized by P.E.T.A. for killing a spider in front of school children. Perhaps they would have been happier if it bit him, and caused an infection like the one Peter Parker received. It's hard to imagine Chris as Spiderman, but eight legs will make carrying his weight around a lot easier.